A big change/wake-up call

Hello! To anyone who actually reads my posts on these sites, I'm letting everyone know that I'm about to formally turn both my substar and my patreon into tip jars without regular posting.

If I have something to share, I will share it here! That said, it is simply not feasible for me to try and maintain a consistent posting schedule. In all honesty, I am lucky to get one comment on any given post. I don't get really much engagement at all on these sites, which I am not saying to guilt trip anyone! But after seeing my income drop nearly 200 dollars in the span of a season, I got really discouraged about using these sites at all, so I've been spending the last month trying to rewire my brain out of the entirely self-inflicted pressure to keep this up, as if I'm not my own boss. A friend recently reminded me that it has been far too long since I got to meaningfully rest, and they're right. I need more than just a one-month pause on these sites. That isn't even enough time to build up a backlog.

It is nobody's fault that I'm having these feelings! As stated before, I am my own boss, and so it's truly my own fault that I feel so stressed about this. Being an indie creator is just a never-ending evolutionary process, and yeah, part of that is because we live in capitalist hell world, but it's also just endless trial and error. This was a trial, and oops I errored.

These sites have always been stressful and I just don't make enough money to justify the toll on my brain and body. Even when I was making 500 dollars a month between my two sites, that's still not enough money to justify hurting myself. I don't think anyone should be required to hurt themselves for work, but you REALLY shouldn't be hurting yourself for less than minimum wage when you're already disabled. Right now, the thought of forcing myself to write new prose JUST to share it here is making me a little ill. That's not exactly a good place to be in, creatively, and it's certainly NOT conducive to writing erotica. I can't get a boner in these circumstances, etc.

Frankly, I think severing myself from the expectation of always needing to share something online like this will only make me more productive in the long run, but this truly isn't about productivity. I really need to be able to rest freely without the looming threat of a deadline so this is what I'm doing! Going forward, I will simply post when I have something I am ready to post. Sometimes, that will mean chapters of a book, like VELVET. Sometimes that will mean finished short stories! Maybe I'll have more sketch-type pieces like Pas De Quatre, or the occasional essay or thoughts on writing. Who knows! I've been rewriting the same essay about how I think granular tagging culture is directly cultivating bad faith audiences, so maybe one day I'll share those thoughts.

This week I picked up working on FAKE RACING GAME, which is really difficult to share progress on because I write the story directly into twine because I need to be able to see the html as I write. It's full of code and doesn't really translate well to posting, so while I'm working on that, I probably won't have much to share! Similarly, if I've finished a piece and I need time to really focus in on editing that piece, I won't have anything to post because I don't think anyone cares to read 6 drafts of a story with slight rewrites or word changes. And I don't want to have to divert energy away from editing JUST to post something here.

I hope this all makes sense to folks! We live in capitalist consumer hell world, but everyone deserves a healthy work-life balance, not just disabled people.

As mentioned, I'm currently trying to finish the second FAKE RACING GAME. It's basically at the 80% mark and Panfried and I are both so excited for clown casino! I'll return to NIGHT PRINCE 3 after I've had a breath of fresh air, but the book is half-written and fully plotted out at this point so it'll be a breeze to come back to. I'm glad I was able to ride the post-crowdfundr energy to get all of my thoughts down about how that book will end, but as is frequently the case, I had a big rush of inspiration and not enough energy to carry me through to the end. I need to rest that piece for a minute before I can get the energy back.

The plan as of right now is that, once I finish the second FAKE RACING GAME, I will reopen VELVET. I think there is a small part of me that has been intimidated by the thought of returning to VELVET because of the looming threat of posting expectations, so doing this should really be best for all of us. VELVET is so special to me, and I don't want to fuck it up because I am feeling obligated to share unfinished progress on such a long passion project. Returning is going to require that I reread like 300k words from the first and second books, so it's going to take me a minute to tune myself back to that project, the tone and mood and voice. I need to be able to do that at my own pace.

I still plan to share pieces with folks over here. It just means a lot more time between posts. If you no longer wish to support a less active tip jar situation like this, I totally understand. Nobody should ever put themself into a bad financial spot just to toss me a buck. I am trying to take better care of myself, so anyone reading this should do the same.

Be safe, be kind to yourself and others. Protect pornographers. Oh and don't forget to stretch (my neck is killing me lol).

<3 Roo