Personal Update

Hello everyone, I'm making a text post to keep you all informed about what is and isn't going on in my life currently. I'm sure some of you are aware of the situation I'm in or have been in for a while, and for those of you that aren't aware, it's a bit of a ride.

Back in mid-October my boyfriend left with his PC and some of his clothes and personal belongings to work for a startup company, he has been and currently is staying at his mom's house, studying for certifications and working for this startup. I went to visit him for Thanksgiving back in November, and he came back home to spend time with me and our cats for New Year's back in December. I dropped him off at the airport early January and haven't seen him since. We both aren't exactly sure when we'll see each other again either.

Our lease for this apartment had officially ended on February 4th, but because we aren't 100% certain of what we're doing in terms of our living situation, the leasing management have placed us on a month-to-month lease, increasing rent by about $200. Why we haven't decided on renewing is because we just don't know if we'll be living in this particular area for much longer. There is a possibility we will be either moving somewhere else within the city, or we could possibly be moving out of state. A lot of things are up in the air right now and it's mostly dependent on the status of the startup company my boyfriend is working for.

Without getting too into the details, this particular startup isn't exactly taking off, it isn't generating revenue, and it more than likely won't go anywhere, but the owner of the company is stubborn and adamant about making this dream of his work. Thankfully, my boyfriend is still getting paid despite everything, but only because his boss (the owner) is paying everyone with his trust money. My boyfriend is simply studying to bide his time until the company either runs out of money, or the owner dies of old age (he's in his senior years).

We have a few plans in mind as per what happens. One being that if the company can no longer support its employees, then my boyfriend would come back and look for new work here while continuing his studies. We either look for a new place to move into nearby, or suck it up and sign another 12-month lease to live at this shitty apartment complex. The other plan is that if the company gets a loan and can stay afloat for several more months, we'll move out of state and closer to where the company is so that way my boyfriend no longer has to live at his mom's and can maybe have a better means of commuting. No matter what option we go with, I intend to find a new full-time job and either limit my SubscribeStar heavily by removing the $50 monthly request tier, or cease taking monthly requests from both tiers altogether and only leave a tip tier as low as $1 - $5. 

The reason for this is because I'm experiencing excessive amounts of art burnout. I've been doing commission and monthly supporter request-based artwork for over a decade now, and what with my perfectionism and inability to manage myself professionally and efficiently, I am not fit for this line of work. I can maybe force myself to keep going just a bit longer, but I am constantly at odds with myself when it comes to my artwork because I take it too seriously, from nitpicking extensively over the quality of my sketches, to the stress I put myself through when I finish something and realize that I put too much time or effort into it. It's been an uphill battle and I don't exactly feel like I'm getting any better at it. 

I don't expect anyone to relate to this, but I do hope that if you're reading this, that you can understand that this is something that has been putting a lot of burden on me mentally. It sadly isn't something I can just go and get medicated for either as I have no health insurance and my income isn't consistent or great enough to afford psychiatric help when it is probably incredibly necessary. I am certain I have some other mental issues that are undiagnosed and are impeding on my daily life, some of which I suspect are ADHD and OCD, but I won't self-diagnose, I'd rather hear it from a professional.

That aside, the uncertainty of this situation has me paralyzed with immense amounts of anxiety and stress. I've been finding it increasingly difficult to want to do much of anything these past several weeks, and while I keep saying I'll be fine or I'll be okay, nothing exactly seems to go that way. I have been living day to day with something akin to a mental haze, or brain fog. I have scheduled three Saturday streams this month and had to postpone this afternoon's stream because I didn't get enough sleep. I often do not get enough sleep as of late. 

I don't want you guys to pity me or feel bad for me, I just want to keep you informed as to how things have been and what is causing this lack of upkeep on my end. To be honest, the issues I faced with SubscribeStar these past two months did not help at all, and I had considered dropping the platform, but sadly, this support is the only form of income I have that is consistent, and I genuinely owe you guys a lot. I appreciate that you all place so much trust and faith in me, and while I do not want to tarnish it, I feel guilty that I am letting my emotions get in the way of the artwork I owe you all, as well as a more professional and appreciative approach. I don't intend to make anyone feel like I am taking advantage of them, I just have not been in a great state of mind lately.

I hope to have better news soon, maybe something that points to a definitive answer as to what my boyfriend and I will be doing in the near future. I have been so lonesome and depressed, and yet, I am having difficulty seeking the company of others when I really need it.

Happy Lunar New Year
I will do my best to stay strong, I don't want to disappoint you guys. Thank you again.