Scruffles' Devlog 13 - The Life of Scruffles

Sup, folks. It's been a minute, huh? Before I start anything, let me say this one thing; I hurt my own fucking feelings making Detached, lmao. As fans of my stupid game, I feel like I owe it to you to give you a glimpse into the current life of a Scruffles given my quiet online inactivity.

Now onto some context.

Did I previously say that I was moderately less depressed? Fuck, I mean, I have a full range of emotions now, and my fuckass brain has been working in overtime. I see with clarity, but it's suffocating, and a little exciting. I wake up feeling like I've actually slept, I don't feel as burnt out from life, I actually have energy to keep myself motivated to move, I'm eating healthier, I'm vaping less, I've been exercising more by walking a fuck ton more, playing Hatsune Miku Fitness Boxing on my Switch (that shit's a workout), and also working out without any digital waifus encouraging me.

What I mean to say is that I'm doing well for myself in most respects.

That said, let's talk transitioning. I know I've been talking about it a lot in my devlogs, but it's a really huge change in my real life. It has… really impacted me in ways I was ready for, but also completely unprepared for the unexpected emotional and mental toll that would follow.

I lost my entire family to my transition. They're still alive, and that's cool I guess. I won't get into any side tangents about it, but the long and short of it is that I am not close to my family, and I have been largely disconnected from them since I was in my late teens. I'm nearly 40 now, and I almost never think of them. I've never officially cut them off, so I chose the coward's route: the written word (actually typed because I'm not wasting money on stationery for them lol).

One family member I was always close to was my sister. There's an 11 year difference between us, and I basically raised her during her earliest years. We've always been fairly close, confidants in a bullshit family. She's always been a bit weird about trans people, so me coming out to her was a wild card that could go in any direction. Everyone else wasn't getting the courtesy of me personally reaching out to be told. She was… hesitantly accepting, let's just say.

We always have each other's backs, in the end. I mean, with the big exception of our mom. Oh man, that's always been a hot topic between us. Long story short, mom and I? We don't get along. As part of my own path of healing, I was going to be a complete piece of shit in that message (a lot of unresolved trauma, lmao).

Well, sister-dearest didn't like that. Some firm, but polite words were exchanged, and I kicked down her boundary to do it anyway. Bye bye, blood family. I was fucked afterwards. This took a while for me to properly digest and work through.

On top of that, the medical shit, holy fuck. The loops I need to jump through just to get some fucking Titty Skittles in this body is simultaneously stupid and understandable. Blood pressure was a little high, cholesterol was a little high. How do I fix it? Cut out red meat (I've been wanting to change my diet to a seafood diet anyway), cut back on nuts, portion control, eat less fast food, drink less fucking coffee (fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck lmao, doctor told me to fuck off with drinking a whole pot to myself) get my ass out there and walk and exercise, and blood pressure medication.

Also, blood and piss tests to re-check my levels, and needing to be assessed by a certified counsellor or shrink or whatever so that they can info dump on me the risks of HRT, and assess whether I'm making the decision with a sound mind (with a lovely price tag attached to the service).

I'm down 50lbs (I haven't been 180lbs in years, it's crazy how much you can let yourself go when you don't give a fuck about yourself), I'm not as exhausted all the time, I've got energy for days, my head is less cloudy, I've got actual motivation to move and do things, I find that I'm getting a little more sociable, and I just generally feel better all around.

I am also bi-racial. I am white passing, but I am half indigenous. I've faced a lot of casual racism that is unique to a mixed breed like myself. Being called a petendian by indigenous people for being "too white" to be native, or having racists that REALLY know what they hate and clock me for a native, throwing a "fuckin' chug" my way in a single night at the same party is fucking wild. Small towns, man. It's also crazy to see how quickly people who are less observant and obvious in their racism break out the slurs and drunk indian jokes once they find out you're half indigenous.

For a couple of years now, there's been an old woman at my work that says some truly fucking horrendous shit, and she means it with her entire soul. "Trans people are fucking disgusting, they creep her out, it ain't right," etc, etc. Basically invalidating my existence every day (especially now that I know that that's what is happening).

I'm a fighter though. I tried being reasonable and talking and engaging and reasoning. This bitch just doubles down, so fuck it. I get a little sassy and call her out so everyone's paying attention to us. The embarrassment alone is usually enough to get her to shut it off.

But this is the newly medicated Scruffles. They have new feelings that like to do stupid fuckass things like make me feel things and stuff like a healthy human does.

I was getting ready to go home, packing my bag in the lunch room, when I overheard "I don't think white people and coloured people should mix, it's just easier for everyone involved."

I don't know why, it just hit differently this time. I was actually mad. I still am, if I'm being honest. She's basically invalidated my entire existence by this point. And now I'm retroactively angry for all of the casual racism I've received all of my life. It's crazy what being properly medicated feels like. It just feels like rage and anger at shitty people.

Thank fuck I got a good personal circle and home life. I'd be so fucked right now if it wasn't for Mrs. Scruffles' love and support.

I was really fucking angry though. I realise I have been since my sister. I've just started to process it.

What does any of this have to do with hurting my feelings? Well…

Anne's 5th event for this update has strong themes of mental and emotional abuse, and implied self harm. It also *really* hits home for me.

I wrote this on my old medication while in the fog, and I know what's in it, but feeling things while making the visuals has been so very mentally and emotionally taxing.

Anne and Daine are both struggling with the day's events. Things are existential in the ol' doom room. Anne has power over emotions and wants to be hurt and scared, and Daine has a lot of pent up anger and frustration despite his reservations and poor attempts of at least trying to be a decent person sometimes.

I'm sure that you can put 2 and 2 together.

It's not an easy thing for me to put into the world, I've found. Not because I don't want it to be there (my entire game is a 350k+ word essay on misery porn as it is), I just don't currently have the mental and emotional fortitude to offer as it's all being allocated to my IRL so I don't go fucking crazy.

I never needed mental and emotional fortitude to do an art before, so that's new.

I'm not quitting. It probably seems like I am, but I'm not. I think about Detached a lot, it's basically a quiet obsession sitting in the back of my mind, festering and rolling like a cesspool at the corner of a property until my life slows the fuck down a bit.

Detached needs its endings, and I want to see it through. I just need to work on myself before I can give you the best I can offer.

I'm also open for questions and comments.

Anywhore, thanks for listening.

Subscription Tiers

Thank you for following!

Welcome

Posts

Scruffles' Devlog 13 - The Life of Scruffles

Creator Stats

Goals

Other Creators

Features

Your Privacy Choices