THE REASON FOR MY ABSENCE

== CONTENT WARNING ==

This post discusses addiction, compulsive sexual behavior, adult content consumption, and relationship conflict. Reader discretion is advised.

== WHY I’M WRITING THIS NOW ==

I chose silence over half-answers and excuses. I would rather pause, take responsibility, and come back with honesty than continue posting while not being fully present or truthful about what was happening.

Hey everyone, how’s it going?

So… it’s been a while since I last said anything, huh?

In fact, I’ve gone completely radio silent pretty much everywhere.

And there’s a reason for that.

Before we continue, I need to warn you that what I’m about to say may come across to some of you as a sob story, an exaggeration, or even complete bullshit, and...

Getting straight to the point: I’m someone struggling with porn addiction.

Again, many of you might think that “porn addiction” is bullshit. How can someone become addicted to something that doesn’t even enter their system?

Well, let me explain.

Addiction is characterized by an uncontrollable compulsion toward a substance or behavior, even in the face of negative consequences. It involves loss of control, the need for increasingly larger doses (tolerance), physical and/or psychological withdrawal symptoms when stopping, and the abandonment of other activities to focus on the addiction...affecting work, studies, and relationships, with noticeable physical and emotional changes. (If something here is off, blame Google; I’m not a psychologist.)

In short: behavior can also be addictive.

If I had to pinpoint where this started, I’d have to go back at least two decades...to when I was around 15, maybe even younger...when I had my first contact with Playboy magazines.

From that point on, it was pretty much all downhill, eventually bringing me to where I am (or was).

“But Lykanz, you develop a porn game…”

I know, right? Crazy how things turn out.

And I absolutely love working on The Inn. I love your feedback, and I love how eagerly you all wait for every update...even if I sometimes don’t understand how you can like something as poorly realized as The Inn.

But even that was being affected by my addiction.

At the beginning of 2025, I started noticing some very clear patterns in my behavior.

Every day, I’d wake up and go straight to the usual sites...you know the ones. Sometimes I wouldn’t even have breakfast or brush my teeth first. It was an automatic reaction to waking up.

I’m married, so I felt like I had to take every opportunity I could to look up that kind of content. At least, that’s what I told myself.

If, for any reason, I was denied that...because my wife wanted to do something, or because I had another obligation that couldn’t wait...I’d become stressed, annoyed, angry. That sour mood would stick with me for the rest of the day until I was finally able to consume porn.

And as most of you probably know, porn rarely comes alone. It’s usually accompanied by other things: compulsive sexual behavior, money spending (because we always need that sweet exclusive content, right?).

That’s where things got much worse.

As I said, I’m married. I’ve been married for over 11 years to a woman I love with all my heart...and who loves me back. She’s gorgeous and has everything I ever wanted in a woman.

So how could I say I loved her when I’d rather consume sexual content all day than spend time with her?

How could I lie to her face and say everything was fine, that I was just stressed about work, when in reality I was angry because I had to spend time with her instead of watching porn?

Because yes, it got to that point.

I’d turn on my computer, go to the usual sites, and stay stuck in that cycle all day until I couldn’t hold it anymore. Sometimes it would take the entire day between “sessions.”

By the end of the day, I was exhausted and had zero energy...or desire...for any kind of interaction with anyone.

I did it to the point of physical pain and injury, but I ignored it. I had to watch the next video because that girl looked really hot, or nasty, or cute...whatever...or play the next game because it had some cool scenes.

It was a bottomless pit of hollow self‑serving behavior disguised as what many people call “normal dude behavior.” This is my personal experience, not a judgment on how others live.

Sure, it can be normal...for a teenager or a single man. Not for a nearly 40‑year‑old married man.

Eventually, it started affecting The Inn’s development as well. I’d spend entire days consuming porn instead of actually working on the game.

“It’s fine,” I told myself. “I’ll just come up with some excuse to post on Patreon. People will understand.”

That was a lie.

It was lies on top of lies on top of more lies.

And lying, by the way, is another classic characteristic of addiction.

I lied to my wife. I lied to my parents. I lied to her parents. I lied to everyone.

Certain adult forums became an all‑you‑can‑consume buffet. Discord had an infinite number of communities full of adult content. The internet itself became a playground of vice.

And it was starting to seriously affect my marriage.

I was alienating my wife. Even when I was with her, I wasn’t really with her. I’d be on my phone, browsing the next porn site, the next live cam show, or the next porn game.

She would talk to me, and I’d reply with monosyllables: “uh‑huh,” “yeah,” “cool,” “heh.”

Then one day, she just stopped talking.

“You’re not here anyway,” she said. “Why would I bother?”

My reaction?

I got angry.

“What do you mean? I’m here, aren’t I? Didn’t you want to spend time with me? What more do you want?”

She looked me straight in the eyes and said:

“I want you to be here, not just ‘be’ here. You’re here, but you’re not. You’re doing God knows what on that phone.”

That turned into a huge fight.

We don’t usually fight. In almost 20 years of knowing each other, you could count our fights on one hand.

But that one… that one was rough.

Things were said. Things I didn’t want to hear...but needed to.

That was the breaking point.

I couldn’t stand myself anymore.

I had to put a stop to it...for my sake, for my wife’s sake, and for our marriage.

I completely cut porn out of my life (aside from The Inn, obviously).

I stopped visiting the sites I used to frequent. I left every Discord server I was in...even servers with friends. I stopped visiting F95 altogether.

There was no middle ground. No “slowly cutting back.”

Slowly would only mean giving it a chance to come back.

I had to cut it at the root.

And honestly? It was one of the best decisions I’ve made in a long time.

It was hard at first...old habits die hard...but it was a fight I had to fight against no one but myself.

To do that, I also had to take a break from developing The Inn.

As much as I hated to admit it, simply sitting at my computer to work on the game was deeply associated with behaviors that always led me back to porn.

So I started developing a new game...something completely detached from The Inn and from porn in general. It also served as a learning experience with a “real” game engine (well, as real as Godot can be).

I’ll be honest: there were moments when I seriously considered abandoning The Inn altogether.

But that wouldn’t be right.

I’ve poured a lot of effort into this project, and you’ve supported me every step of the way...some of you since the very beginning.

Pulling the plug like that just didn’t feel right.

Eventually, though, Patreon support started to (justifiably) decline, bills began piling up, and I felt it was time to return to The Inn.

I won’t pretend it was easy.

It wasn’t.

But it proved something important to me: I can work on The Inn without falling back into the addiction trap.

“But you say you’re a porn addict, and yet you develop a porn game. Isn’t that harmful to other people, the same way porn was harmful to you?”

Yeah… I know.

I feel like a massive hypocrite every time I think about it.

I haven’t fully made up my mind about that yet.

Maybe I never will.

I also won’t lie and say this journey has been all roses.

It hasn’t.

It’s been hard. I’ve had relapses along the way...one of them got really dark, and for a moment I thought I wouldn’t make it out again.

But that’s part of the process.

I don’t claim to be the worst case of addiction out there, nor do I think my struggle is harder than anyone else’s.

But as they say: every day is like the first.

So… that’s my story.

Someone struggling with porn addiction. A porn game developer. And, yes, often feeling like a hypocrite.

If you’ve read all the way to this point, I hope it meant something to you...and maybe even helps you, the same way other people’s stories have helped me.

== WHAT THIS MEANS GOING FORWARD ==

I’m not writing this to promise perfect consistency or to claim this chapter is “over.” What I can commit to is transparency, healthier boundaries around my work, and a more sustainable pace. Stepping away was necessary so that returning could be done responsibly.

I’m back working on The Inn with clearer limits and a better understanding of what puts me at risk. That doesn’t make me immune, but it does make me more accountable.

Thank you for sticking around, for your patience, and for supporting the project through something that wasn’t visible, but was very real.

Take care.

PS: Yes... This post was proofread and formatted in ChatGPT... But that was only to organize the ideas better and make it clearer.

The Inn - Chapter 2 - 1.02.01 RELEASE DATES!