PSA: Ya boi is not feeling good
Hey there folks,
it's been a while since I wrote one of these, but since I was supposed to do a stream tomorrow and I just forgor to tell anyone, other than sending people the stream form, I thought I'd take the chance to just do a general info dump.
Tomorrow's stream, in case it wasn't clear, is cancelled.
It's been a long time coming, since the brewing of my current state of mental health has been going on since the start of the year, but it's finally reached its peak this past week. I'm at one of my all time lows in terms of my depression, so I'm going to be posting very little in the very near future.
To get in the nitty gritty of what's going on in my life, there's a lot of different parts that make it so that I'm kind of stuck at the moment, just hanging on until something out of my control changes.
1) My disability: for those not in the know, I have chronic pain issues. This mostly affects my right hip, for which I have canes, walking sticks and an electric wheelchair for the times in which the pain is really bad, and my wrists. The wrists have hypermobility/ligament problems, which makes it so that there's a chronic inflammation in that joint, so drawing and writing for extended periods of time is often difficult. It's been a long time, and I still don't know exactly how to manage my daily life with these things, since the pain level is very random on any given day.
Due to this, I had submitted a request for disability benefits back in 2024. I still haven't gotten any answer or expert assessment, so I'm still waiting on that to basically plan anything in my life.
2) My job: I'm a part time teacher, because, due to my disability and pending request, I cannot work a full time job. It has led me to burn out, and even though I do try to take on more work, there aren't enough students. I love this job, I'm always grateful to get to meet more people, and since this is my main source of income, I need to focus my energy on keeping some semblance of stability with that. The problem is, it doesn't pay me very much. I barely make enough to pay rent, most months I don't even earn that. From 2024 to February of this year, the rest of what I needed to live was being paid by unemployment. That doesn't last forever, of course, so at the end of last month, I got let go of the program. Now, in theory, social aids should get into my case, but, like all paperwork, it's is taking its time. The soonest I'll see them is at the end of the month, and that's already going to be too late to pay most of my bills. This is obviously stressing me the fuck out because I'm not exactly itching to be in debt. I also can't ask for money because I fear that the social aids won't give me anything if they see that I can "get money from an outside source". I guess I'm trying to accept that I'll be late with payments and hope that this won't put me in too much trouble.
3) My social circle: I wish I could say that things have changed since the last time I wrote about loneliness, but sadly, that's not the case. I won't lie and say I'm alone, that's factually incorrect. I know a lot of people, and have friends near and far, but I don't have anyone in my life, other than my parents, that make me feel like I can rely in case of help. And, put quite bluntly, I still feel like I'm just the leftover friend, or partner. Someone to enjoy for a moment, and then abandon to get back to the main partner, or the bigger community. I have two partners, but they have nesting partners to return to. Most of my friends have partners they can rely on or return to. I don't.
There's the added thing that to the vast majority of the people around me, I'm the one that is stalwart, strong, reliable. In trouble, sure, but resilient despite the odds. They're the one in trouble, and they can rely on me. I don't have that person I can rely on when I feel like the world is crashing around me, to cry my eyes out in front of and feel like they're there to keep me anchored. My partners can be that for me, but only temporarily, because again, I'm not the main one. And I'm so tired of people telling me to go out and hang out with people, because I do, I stuff my calendar of social interactions trying to make the most of them, but I always feel like there's that one thing missing, and that I have to act like the fun quirky guy they know me as, and not break down crying, because no one likes a downer, and they can't do anything to help me. And it's true, most people can't do anything to help me. They don't have the money to do so, or the time to do so.
I've thought of moving to potentially a place closer to the people that could help me more, but I can't move to a cheaper place because if I do, the whole disability paperwork procedure has to start from scratch. I can't get more work for the same reason: if I get more work, it means to the disability that I CAN work more than I do, so there's no point in them giving me disability benefits.
I'm basically stuck in this situation where I'm not socially isolated, just far enough from the people that can potentially make me feel desired in any way. Stuck in a place that I genuinely love, where the rent is cheap, but taxes are high, so I'm struggling to keep up with them. I can't change much professionally because I'm still waiting for paperwork, and it's the kind of job that pays by the hour, so if I take sick leave, I don't get paid.
I just. I'm genuinely tired of living like this, and I'm back at a point where some days I wish I didn't wake up, or fantasizing about ways I could painlessly end it all. The stupid thing is that what's stopping me from doing it is knowing it would be such an inconvenience for so many people if I died.
Enough with my ramblings. I wish you the opposite of what I'm going through, and that you have your stability and love in your life. Cherish it, and cultivate it. I try to, and I'll be back when I can manage to find the will to do anything with myself again that doesn't involve carbon monoxide poisoning.
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