Kamika Malagic vs. Countess Elizabeth (Part FINAL)

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The park’s forest wasn’t known for its density; if one were to enter it and trek all the way through the winding path, it would only take them roughly five minutes to navigate the entire forest and come out the other end. But it was big enough that, if one ventured deep enough, their vision would be obstructed by the large oak trees that populated the tiny forest. Fortunately, there weren’t many reports of people being lost in the forest thanks to the trail path that was forged into it, so the only ones that got lost in the forest nowadays were small children and delusional people suffering from a really bad hangover.

Double-Double scoured behind every tree he could find in search of Kamika, often going off the beaten path in the process. Toil and Trouble’s best efforts were reduced to checking inside hollowed-out logs or underneath tiny rocks.

“Jeez, how strong is that chick? Didja see how the Mistress just flew over here?” Toil mentioned while he was checking out one such log.

“I don’t think it’s cuz of her. Mistress Kamika is just that light,” Toil brought up as he sniffed the underside of a small pebble he found.

“...And just how do you know that?” Toil asked with a somewhat worried expression on his face.

“Well you got no problem carryin’ her around, right?” Trouble pointed out.

Toil briefly considered this, but then shook his head.

“Well yeah, but that don’t mean I like doin’ it,” he said.

“Heh! Better not let her hear ya say that, dude, or else she’ll make ya do it more!” Trouble snickered.

“Oh please,” Toil mumbled, “She’s not even around to-”

At that moment, Double-Double landed on the log Toil was searching, throwing off Toil’s concentration and earning a yelp from the larger gargoyle.

“I have secured her location,” Double-Double mentioned briefly, before pointing upwards. There, stuck in a quite large tree hole, was Kamika Malagic. Her dangling legs kicked furiously against the tree bark, and inside the hole were the sounds of dampened obscenities. All three of the gargoyles looked at the sight with a vague sense of discomfort.

“Jeez. She should probably stop kickin’ so much, that can’t be good for her feet,” Trouble said, wincing at Kamika’s predicament.

“...So, what do we do about that?” Toil asked. From where they were standing, Kamika was much higher up than they were with no visible branches in sight, making him dread what they would have to do to get her out.

“We free her, of course,” Double-Double said plainly. “We do not have the luxury of making a choice in this matter.”

“But how’re we gonna even reach her?! She’s like way up there!” Toil protested.

“We shall find a way,” Double-Double responded cryptically.

---

And find a way they did. It was a grueling and harrowing ordeal, much too exciting to describe in words, but eventually, the trio managed to free their Mistress from the horrors of the tree. Kamika stood against a different tree, clutching her head. The trip into the forest did little to quell her anger against Countess Elizabeth.

“That miserable little brat!” she growled. “I try to show her a good time, and THIS is the thanks I get?! What a goddamn moron!!”

“I’m not sure what you were expectin’,” Toil brought up. “She doesn’t look like she’d get distracted easily.”

“Yeah, ‘specially not with your weak pheromones-”

“SHUT UP, TROUBLE!!” Kamika lashed out at Trouble, who immediately shut his mouth.

Kamika’s pheromones were a particularly touchy subject for her. Usually, when a succubus wants the people around her to do the things she demands of them, all she has to do is unleash her pheromones among the populace. To do this, the succubus has to perspire them through her skin, and due to the succubus’ intense internal heat, the pheromones will evaporate almost as soon as they leave the body, surrounding the succubus in a pink haze. This mist, when spread and inhaled, fills the succubus’ victims with pleasant thoughts revolving entirely around her, and from there, the succubus is able to take advantage of her victims’ heightened libido to bend them to her will.

However, once in a blue moon comes a succubus whose pheromones are... less than potent. This exceedingly rare condition is henceforth referred to as pherodeficiency, and through this disease, the pheromones that a succubus would use to seduce those around her are drastically less effective than normal, to the point where they can be considered worthless. Despite all her haughtiness and bravado, Kamika Malagic, a succubus afflicted with pherodeficiency, had to live with the fact that she was one of the weakest succubi ever spawned, a fact that ate away at her day in and day out.

Even now, Kamika was pouting over her latest failed attempt, leaning against the tree with her arms folded.

“God, who does she even think she is, ignoring my advances like that...” she grumbled under her breath.

Double-Double stood on a nearby branch and patted Kamika’s shoulder solemnly.

“It was a valiant effort, all things considered,” he said.

Kamika swatted Double-Double’s hand away.

“Whatever. Like that punk even deserves to have a good time with me!” she snapped as she marched forward, a hateful glint in her eyes. “I’m gonna get back out there and give her a piece of my-”

“Hi, Kamika! Lovely day, isn’t it?”

Kamika stopped in her tracks and looked over her shoulder, only to be greeted with the sight of her next-door neighbor Megan Skye. She was as regular a human as they came, apart from the long white hair, and was enjoying the brisk morning with a smile on her face. Most people in Crossroads enjoyed seeing her wherever they went, but Kamika thought differently; not only were her pheromones completely worthless on her, but her sickeningly sweet disposition got under Kamika’s skin nearly every time she saw her.

In fact, as soon as Kamika saw Megan with that dumb smile on her face, she immediately grabbed Trouble and hoisted him up by the ears.

“WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE?!?”she shrieked, pointing viciously at Megan.

“I-I-I dunno, Mistress, she wasn’t here last I checked!” Trouble stammered as he trembled in Kamika’s grasp.

“I thought I made it ABSOLUTELY clear that NO ONE is to interfere with our duel!” Kamika snarled at her quivering minion.

“Ooooh, a duel? With who??” Megan asked, approaching behind Kamika in anticipation.

“That’s none of your business!” Kamika barked before marching away. Megan simply stood there in confusion; every interaction with Kamika seemed to end this way and she wasn’t entirely sure why. Still, she was a staunch believer in the good that was inside everyone, so Kamika surely must have had a reason for all her impatient, evil-sounding grumbling.

Double-Double drew near Megan to explain.

“We are currently locked in combat with a strange girl, who is presently giving us more trouble than we realize,” he elaborated.

“Wow, that sounds exciting!” Megan said with genuine enthusiasm. “Hey Kamika, what’s this girl like?”

Kamika stopped in her tracks to convulse with rage before turning to Megan.

“She’s the absolute WORST!!” she ranted. “She thinks she’s so awe-inspiring, but she’s just an annoying poser! And what’s with that name, that, that... ‘Countess Elizabeth’ crap?! Does she know how embarrassing that sounds, or does she actually think she’s smart with such a tasteless name like that?!”

Megan came to a sudden realization during Kamika’s rambling.

“Wait. That name... I feel as though I’ve heard it before,” she mused.

“Oh please, as if someone like you would even know about a weirdo like her,” Kamika spat, the very idea sounding ludicrous to her. She turned back around to leave. “Now, if you’re done wasting my time, I need to get back to-”

Elizabeth had suddenly appeared before Kamika, causing the succubus to scream and stagger backwards. The gargoyles did their best to help out - by taking cover behind a tree.

“How dare you besmirch my name, impudent whelp! When you refer to me, you MUST use the full title: Countess Elizabeth, the Everlasting Matriarch of the Forgotten Realms! To shorten my name as you have is an INSULT to my existence!”

“Oh, get over yourself!” Kamika fired back. “Who the hell would even bother to use the full title?! Nobody wants to play along with saying such a childish name!”

“SILENCE!!” Elizabeth bellowed. “Save your bluster for after our battle; we must return to the arena at-”

It was then that something unexpected happened. As soon as Elizabeth noticed Megan’s presence, she instantly became quiet and turned away from the two of them. Kamika thought this behavior odd, but hadn’t noticed that Megan was looking at Elizabeth with intrigue.

“You know, you look familiar somehow...” Megan wondered, while Elizabeth grew more and more flustered.

“I-I can assure you, w-w-we have never met before, mortal,” Elizabeth growled through her chattering teeth.

Megan, at this point, was starting to piece things together. Her elaborate speech, her loud and boisterous voice, that flowing cape... Her eyes went wide once everything came back to her.

“...Elise? Is that you??” Megan asked innocently.

“DON’T CALL ME THAT!!!” Elise roared at Megan, only to realize her mistake. She covered her mouth in horror, while Megan’s smile quickly grew in elation.

“Ohmygod it IS you!!” Megan cried as she ran up to Elise and wrapped her in a great big hug, the kind that moms and wrestlers would give to others. “How’ve you been? I haven’t seen you since college! Do you still have that cool-sounding nickname??”

“It is not a ‘nickname!’” Elise protested. “You will refer to me by my full moniker; Countess Elizabeth, the-”

“YOU DO!!!” Megan squealed as she hugged Elise tighter. “Aaaah, I missed you so much~!!”

“Put me down!! Th-this insolence shall not stand!” Elise bellowed.

Kamika and the gargoyles looked on in mild confusion. Like a sudden plot twist that comes completely out of left field, they just didn’t know what to make of the situation. However, Kamika was suddenly starting to remember what Megan had mentioned just a few moments earlier.

“Wait, you mean you actually know her???” asked the succubus.

“Yup! Elise and I went to the same college together!” Megan explained. “I’ve wanted to see her again ever since we graduated, but I never found the time for it-”

“No! One such as I must live in the far reaches of space, away from civilization!” Elise ordered, still trying to pretend she had control of the situation.

“Aww c’mooooon, the least you could do is show me your house! Wait, did you actually move here??” Megan asked as she looked at Elise with sparkling eyes; in fact they were so bright that Elise had to shield herself from them.

“Too close! You’re too close!” Elise yelped, her facade faltering by the second.

It was in the middle of all this that Kamika finally formulated an idea. It began as a tiny kernel of an idea, then with time and deliberation, it had blossomed into a resplendent popcorn of a plan, one that Kamika couldn’t help but smile evilly about.

“She’s right, dear,” Kamika said softly, patting Elise on the shoulder. “It’s been such a long time since you’ve seen each other. Why not take the time to catch up, hm~?”

“Really? You mean it, Kamika?!” Megan asked with all the excitement of a child on sugar.

“B-but... I object! W-we still have our duel to-”

“Oh, come now, I haven’t forgotten. In fact, I’ll wait right here for you until you and Megan finish having the time of your lives!” Kamika lied. Though even if it was a fib, she had a pleasant way of delivering it.

“Then it’s settled~!” Megan responded as she took Elise by the hand and led her out of the forest. “You and I have some serious catching up to do, girl! Let’s get lunch! My treat!”

“I-I have not agreed to anything! Release my hand! You are besmirching the majesty of a matriarch!!!”

Elise’s demands grew quieter as she was dragged further and further away from Kamika. The succubus let out a sigh, relieved that her plan worked, but she knew she wasn’t out of the woods just yet. If she was, she wouldn’t have been standing near all the trees in the first place.

She turned to Double-Double with a scowl.

“Are they gone yet?” she asked impatiently. Double-Double reached into his sleeves and pulled out a spyglass, holding it up to one of his eyes and extending it as far as it would go.

“...They have just crossed the white rope,” he declared. “That girl’s chances of winning are now forfeit.”

Kamika’s expression in the span of five seconds went from contempt, to surprise, to immense satisfaction. 

“Then that means... I’ve finally beaten her!” she cheered. “YES!!! Ahahahaha! In your FACE, loser!!”

With the adrenaline of victory getting to her, Kamika pumped her fist and took pride in succeeding in a trivial competition. The minions looked at her with both trepidation and disconcertion.

“Well, if that’s what counts as a win these days, then I guess we’ll take it?” Trouble muttered with a shrug of his shoulders.

“But now what? What did beating her at her own game actually accomplish?” Toil wondered aloud.

“Isn’t it obvious? It proved that I’m BETTER than her!” Kamika said with a nasty grin. “Serves her right for thinking she could get the best of ME! Now all I have to do is prove my superiority to the rest of the neighborhood!”

Kamika burst into a full-on sprint out of the forest, not stopping until she was on top of the slide in the center of the park. She put her hands over her mouth and called out to the surrounding community.

“Attention, lowlifes! Your future empress, Kamika Malagic, has just bested that insufferable Elise and achieved a flawless victory!!”

She stood with a conceited smile, waiting for the rest of her neighbors to shower her with praise, or even money. She waited, and waited, and waited... then her smile disappeared and her face grew dour.

“HEY! Where is everyone?!” she yelled, fists clenched in wrath. By this point, her minions had caught up with her, and bore witness to the empty park around them.

“We scared ‘em all out, remember?” Toil mentioned.

“What?! Are you kidding me?!” Kamika glowered at Toil. It certainly wasn’t Toil’s fault; Kamika was so caught up in the thrill of winning that she had forgotten all the prep work they did earlier, which included scaring everyone away. She ran a hand over her face, then shook it briskly.

“Forget it. I’ll just have to let them all know myself,” she decided as she pointed at Toil. “Carry me!”

“Wha?? B-but we don’t even have the-”

With that defiant holler, Kamika leapt off the slide and onto Toil. Fortunately, Toil was used to being the one to carry his Mistress, as he was able to catch her in his arms, but only barely.

“Oof! Mistress-”

“Take me around the block! I want the whole neighborhood to know of my triumph!” Kamika said with giddy excitement, immediately going back to irritability as she screamed at Toil some more. “Move it, pork chop!!”

Toil, having no actual means of arguing back, deferred to scrambling away with her in tow. Trouble and Double-Double weren’t too far behind them.

“Should we tell her that beating a college graduate isn’t exactly an accomplishment?” Trouble asked Double-Double.

“No, let her have this,” Double-Double mused with resignation.

“Everyone! Celebrate my victory! Shower me in adoration! LOVE MEEEEEEEE!!!”

Kamika said these and other such demands as she was carted around Sytry Street, riding high on an achievement that would not get her any accolades anytime soon. In spite of all this, she was determined to get something out of this futile attempt to garner favor, even if it took her the rest of the day.

And so ends another sordid tale of Kamika Malagic.