Kamika Malagic Encourages Swearing (Part FINAL)

Part of The Sordid Tales of Kamika Malagic
All characters © Trixie “AltrixWrites” Mills
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At last, after what felt like an eternity, Megan Skye finally returned safe and sound to her humble abode. As her car came to a halt on her driveway, she couldn’t help but sigh in relief; going to the grocery store was supposed to be a relaxing affair, but something really bizarre was happening around town. At the very least, she never explicitly remembered going to buy milk only to find... that word scrawled onto it. Who or what could have done such a thing?
Well, at least she was safe at home. Surely nothing could hope to beset her within the confines of her own house. Reaffirming that notion to herself, she gathered her bag of groceries, stepped out of her car, and made her way to the front door with that familiar smile on her face.
...But it was what she first saw upon heading inside that almost made her drop her grocery bag. There, splattered on her front door in messy black paint were those same awful words in bold letters. If the intended effect was to scare Megan, it... well, it wasn’t working all that well. But it did cause her face to contort with worry.
“Oh no... Who in the world is doing all of this?” she questioned aloud. “Am I being followed by someone?”
She glanced around to try and find any sign of anyone keeping watch, or disposing of evidence that they engaged in vandalism, but came up short. Megan wasn’t usually the paranoid type, but a day like today was reminding her that one could never be too careful when living in a city as populous as Crossroads.
She cautiously opened the door and made her way inside, making absolutely sure no spies intruded on her privacy as she closed the door behind her. Another sigh of relief left her as she slumped against the door on the inside of her house.
“I’ll have to clean that up later,” she mumbled. But, now that she was inside, she felt safe and secure; no further incidents seemed likely to befall her now, and she was free to enjoy the rest of the afternoon in peace.
And that was when she made the fatal mistake of looking down. Her “Welcome” mat, once awash with warm and inviting colors, was now besmirched by black letters that also spelt out the same terrible words. Granted, it looked nicer than on the front door, but most people don’t provide compliments to week-old garbage by comparing it to month-old garbage.
“No way. It’s in here too??” Megan asked herself in shock, feeling more and more unsafe in her own home. Her eyes went back to the front door...
...Which was when she finally noticed, and jumped away from the door as soon as she did. Not only was the front door on the outside slandered, but the front door on the inside also bore those messy, horrid words in those messy black letters. This was becoming an epidemic, or at the very least, the turning point in an everyday horror story. Megan was starting to panic.
“Okay, okay, stay calm, Megan. They’re just words. Words can never hurt you,” she laughed nervously. She felt like she was reaching the end of her rope, or like she was reaching the part of a dream where the immediate shock would drag her out of sleep. Unfortunately, she had too many minute interactions throughout the day to disprove it all as just a dream.
...Maybe she was being silly about this. Maybe this was all just a prank that got a little out of hand. Yeah, that had to be it.
“Don’t let it get to you, Megan,” she said to herself as she made her way to the fridge. “Everything will be fine. Just go about your business as normal. You’ve totally got this.”
Megan opened her refrigerator and almost screamed.
Her old carton of milk had mysteriously returned. But upon closer inspection, it bore the same scribbling as what she saw at the store; the Satyr Folk Farms logo was once again inked over to display the words that shall not be repeated at this time. Megan was left trembling.
“This isn’t happening...” Megan was starting to lose her grip on reality now. She resolved to simply close the door and pretend she never saw that.
But there was no ignoring those same words appearing again, this time in the form of alphabet magnets plastered on her refrigerator door.
“AAH-!!” Megan yelped in fear, staggering back from her defiled fridge. She whipped her head back to the entrance - and that was where the true madness began.
Every square inch of the interior of Megan’s house, from the walls to the shelves to the furniture to the table to even the bag of groceries she had set down, was coated with black letters that all spelt out this awful phrase. No matter where Megan looked, she couldn’t escape from the expletives; they swarmed every corner like termites on a pile of wood, trapping her in a web of curses. Try as she might to find any sort of sanctuary, nothing could protect her from the obscenities that lay before her eyes.
“What is happening?!” she cried, finally at her wit’s end. “Somebody help me!!!”

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Watching all of this unfold were three gargoyles occupying the house next to Megan’s. Toil and Trouble shared a pair of binoculars, and were keen to stare at Megan through her window. Double-Double was content to sit on the fence in silence, his eyes not even bothering to observe Megan’s breakdown.
“Wow. She’s really losin’ it, huh?” Toil asked, almost astounded by the state Megan was in by now.
“No kiddin’. Who ever hearda people goin’ this nuts over a couplea words, huh?” Trouble asked, unable to hide the sneer on his face.
Toil shrugged. “Eh, people are just weird about that sorta thing still.”
“I’ll say,” Trouble responded before he looked over to Double-Double. “Yo, Double-Double! How’d you write all that on her walls so quickly?”
“A ninja never reveals his secrets,” the ninja said stoically, still keeping his eyes closed.
“Feh. Typical, always keeps the juicy details to himself,” Trouble scoffed. He turned back to watching over Megan, but failed to realize that, if he had observed Double-Double for just a little while longer, he would have seen the ninja remove a paintbrush from his sleeves and toss it out of sight.
After what felt like a good long while, Megan finally burst out of her house screaming her head off. It was hard to blame her for feeling this way; one would no doubt find it very disturbing to see a whole lot of expletives painted onto every inch of one’s home, but whether or not they’d run out of their home screaming was another matter altogether.
Megan stopped in the middle of her driveway, trying her best to catch her breath after the horror she just witnessed. It was hard to tell if the fresh air was doing her any good, but it was probably best that she got away from those two words when she did.
Unfortunately, a shadow began to loom over her now. Megan tilted her head up to find her next-door neighbor, Kamika Malagic, feigning ignorance in the only way she knew how.
“Why, Megan dear, whatever is the matter~?” she asked sweetly, but her mojo was interrupted by Megan grabbing her shoulders.
“Kamika! Thank goodness you’re here! Something really weird is happening!” Megan blabbered hysterically. “I’ve been seeing the exact same words over and over lately! They’ve been showing up at the grocery store, and then they followed me onto the front door, and now they’re all over my house! They’re everywhere!!”
“Oh, slow down there, sweetie,” Kamika said with a flirty tone in her voice, gently removing Megan from her shoulders. “Just what do these words even say?”
“I-I can’t say it! It’s such an evil word...” Megan whined. Kamika couldn’t help but roll her eyes internally.
“Come now, Megan. I can’t help you unless you tell me what those words say, you know,” Kamika whispered.
“Um... o-okay, I’ll try.” Megan, despite all her trepidation, took a deep breath. Kamika was the only one she could rely on now, so she had to do her part and explain what was ailing her.
“They say... ‘Say fff...’ ‘Say ffFFff...’”
“Yes? Go on now~” Kamika said as she grinned from ear to ear. Megan was so close, she just needed that extra little push.
Megan gave it all her might, but no matter what she did, the word just wouldn’t come out. She kept trying and trying and trying...
At last, she took a deep breath, and stared at Kamika with renewed determination. Kamika, meanwhile, was put off by this sudden mood swing.
“Huh? Wh-what’s that face for?” Kamika asked, before Megan took her by the arm and dragged her to the front door of her house, where the words that had haunted her this whole time remained.
“That’s what those words keep saying to me,” she explained. Kamika only raised an eyebrow, then did her best to stifle a giggle.
“What, is that all?” Kamika laughed. “I guess the only way to get rid of it is to-”
“But I won’t say it!” Megan spoke with conviction, crossing her arms and turning her head skyward. “I refuse to use such dirty language!”
“...Are you serious?!” Kamika responded with aggravation. “What is so horrible about this?! It’s not a crime to say ‘fuck!!’”
“Hold it right there!”
At that moment, a pair of community peacekeeping officers place their hands on Kamika’s shoulders. One had the build of an eagle, the other had the build of a warthog. Both of them were decked in beige and wore sunglasses.
“What the-?!”
“Dropping an f-bomb in a public space?!” asked the eagle officer.
“That’s a no-go, Joe,” added the warthog officer.
“And who the hell are you, the grammar police?!” Kamika barked back.
“No,” said the warthog officer, “they’re the department next to ours.”
“We at the Dirty Language branch have received 37 counts of vandalization within Store of the Flies, all concerning the deployment of f-bombs,” explained the eagle officer. “And all signs lead back to you, little lady.”
“WHAT?!” Kamika shrieked. “What is so wrong about saying ‘fuck?!’”
“She just said it again!!” bellowed the warthog officer.
“You disgusting creature!” the eagle officer shouted as he placed handcuffs on Kamika’s hands. “We’ll make sure to wash out that filthy mouth of yours. Now come along quietly!”
“But it’s not a crime! I didn’t do anything wrong! Let go of me!!” Despite all of Kamika’s protests, she was unable to prevent the officers from shoving her into their car and driving away.
Megan stood there, dumbfounded by what just happened. It didn’t take long for Double-Double, Toil, and Trouble to emerge from their hiding spots and observe Kamika being carried off.
“Well, she can’t say I didn’t tell her to do somethin’ else,” Toil muttered.
“Indeed. I do not believe my talents were meant for something so... petty,” Double-Double admitted.
Megan looked over to the minions. It was only at this moment that she was starting to piece together what was actually going on, but at present, her immediate concern was with the well-being of Kamika’s subordinates.
“...So, you guys gonna be okay without Kamika?” she asked with worry.
“Ehh, we’ll be fine,” Trouble said lackadaisically. “If we know the Mistress like we do, she’ll be back out here like nothin’ ever happened!”
“In the meantime, we shall occupy ourselves however we see fit,” Double-Double affirmed.
“Well, if you boys have any free time...” Megan directed their attention to the black letters on her door. “I’m going to need some help with cleaning.”
“...Ah. Right,” Double-Double conceded. “I suppose we should do at least that much.”
“Y-yeah, we can do that, no problem!” Trouble stammered, making his way indoors. “We’ll have this all done before supper, just you watch!”
Megan smiled brightly; at least one of them was ready and willing to help out! Toil could only put his palm over his head.
“Don’t swear on it.” was all he could manage to say.
And so ends another sordid tale of Kamika Malagic.
THE END