Kamika Malagic Encourages Swearing (Part 1)

Part of The Sordid Tales of Kamika Malagic
All characters © Trixie “AltrixWrites” Mills
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“Push it faster, boys! I don’t want to see even a drop of sweat on it!”
“But we don’t sweat, we’re gargoyles!”
“I didn’t ask for your opinion, Toil! I asked you to MOVE!!”
The sweltering summer heat did little to motivate the two gargoyles as they pushed and shoved their haul towards the middle of the lawn. Toil was doing most of the heavy lifting, which befit his larger size, while Trouble’s scrawny, bat-like arms did not actually do a whole lot in the grand scheme of things.
Barking orders from the porch was the self-proclaimed best succubus in the world, Kamika Malagic, with the ever vigilant Double-Double by her side. It had taken them quite a lot of time and money to secure their prize, which just so happened to be a large, bronze statue of Kamika herself. It stood atop a hefty pedestal and carried the succubus’ spitting image, with one hand adorning her breast and the other lifting her skirt ever so slightly. Such a large, demanding statue deserved the attention of everyone in Crossroads, which was what Kamika intended to take care of as soon as possible.
Of course, she wasn’t doing any of the heavy-lifting herself; that was for her minions to take care of.
“Can’t we at least trade places every now and then?! Some of us have gotta rest too, y’know!” Toil argued.
“Yeah! Plus, I dunno how I feel about pushin’ around a statue; it hits a little too close to home,” Trouble whined.
“Excuse you, but it’s not A statue; it’s MY statue!” Kamika corrected with stunning immediacy. “And you know I hate doing physical labor! It’s bad for the complexion, I don’t think you’d get it.”
“We’re made of rocks. We’ve ‘gotten it’ since birth,” Toil pointed out.
“Seriously, I don’t think I’m makin’ this thing budge an inch!” Trouble blabbered. “At least get Double-Double out here! He’s not doing anything with that “Lawn Decorator” nonsense!”
“Hmph! Only a fool would dare to question my knowledge of exterior design,” Double-Double chided, having kept a watchful eye on Toil and Trouble’s progress the entire time. “...You’re pushing it too far.”
“Pushing what too far?” Toil asked, but his question was answered as soon as the statue made its way off the sidewalk. The sudden change in balance caused Toil to stumble forward with a yelp, while the statue began tipping over! Trouble, noticing just in time, rushed to the head of the statue and, in the most literal use of the term “using your head,” prevented a disaster by using his head to catch the falling statue. Of course, all of this was unintentional at best.

“GAH!! Jeez, this head’s as bloated as the Mistress’,” Trouble squeaked, cradling the head of the Kamika statue in his arms.
“CAREFUL WITH THAT!!” Kamika shrieked at the top of her lungs. “If I see even a single knick on that statue, I’ll make sure to put a knick into the both of you! Now get off the road!”
“Oh don’t worry, Mistress.” Toil assured half-heartedly. “This ol’ thing is in gooood hands.”
BEEP BEEP!!
As it happened, a small car came speeding down the street, heading right for the statue. There was something to be said about convenient happenings after certain remarks, but now wasn’t the time for Toil and Trouble to worry about such things. In fact, they had no time to think of anything; as soon as they turned their heads, the car rammed straight through the statue, sending the two of them flying.
Toil landed back on the lawn with his piece, rubbing his sore bum. Only the pedestal and the feet of the Kamika statue remained in his hands.

“Jeez, who drives like that around here??” Toil grumbled, before he finally noticed what was left of the pedestal.
“...The statue!!” Toil’s horrified eyes landed on the crumbled remains of the statue in the middle of the road. If Toil knew Kamika, by the end of today he would no doubt be reduced to the same rubble that now lay before him. He panicked.
“Tell me I’m dreamin’, Trouble! Everything’s fine, right?!” Trouble had wandered back over to the worried Toil at this point, holding the severed head of the Kamika statue aloft. 
“Alas, poor Mistress,” Trouble said solemnly, “she definitely was a person.”
“...Were you waiting like all day to say that?” Toil asked.
“IDIOTS!!!”
That familiar scream told the two gargoyles things were gonna go from bad to worse. And turn worse they did, as Kamika had stomped over and grabbed the two of them by the neck.
“How am I going to make my presence known in this podunk town when you two keep MESSING EVERYTHING UP?!” she screamed in their faces.
Toil dug some nonexistent wax out of his ears. “If that’s all you want, you’re doing a good job of that already,” he mentioned.
“SHUT UP!” The enraged Kamika threw both of her minions next to the pile of rubble. “You’re both going to put that statue back together EXACTLY how it was, or so help me, I’ll-”
“Wow, Kamika! I bet everyone in the neighborhood can hear you right about now!”
Kamika whipped her head around. Leaning on the fence belonging to the next house over was her next-door neighbor, Megan Skye, with that familiar bright smile on her face. Compared to the impatient and provocative succubus, Megan was as normal as could be, and never had much to make her stand out from a crowd. Of course, most humans don’t normally have white hair unless they’re old, but that was neither here nor there.
“Tch. What do you want? No doubt you’re taking pleasure in my misfortune right about now,” Kamika grumbled with a scowl.
“I just wanted to see what all the hubbub was about!” Megan said cheerfully, her eyes trailing over to the rubble in the street. “Whoa, that’s quite a mess. Need any help cleaning that up??”
“Please, as if I need your help.” Kamika folded her arms and looked away, attempting to make herself appear more high and mighty. “Find someone else to badger today, why don’tcha.”
“I’ll only be a second! Just hang tight~!” Megan was already on her way over to the mess with a large trash bag in hand.
“Wh- hey!” Kamika’s attempts to stop her neighbor fell on deaf ears; Megan was already plugging away at clean-up, humming to herself all the while. This would normally be a pleasant sight for anyone, but Kamika could only glare at her with all the intense animosity a creative person has for their uncreative full-time job.
“Where does that Megan get off,” she mumbled to her minions. “She must think she’s soooo perfect and modest. Just look at her slaving away without a care in the world! Ugh, it makes me sick to my stomach just looking at her!”
“You oughta see a doctor about that,” Trouble commented, which earned him a hateful stare from Kamika.
“I doubt it is possible for anyone in this life to be without flaw,” Double-Double pointed out. “Surely there is a breaking point underneath her facade.”
“Yeah, it’s gotta be an act! I bet she’s actually a really nasty person underneath all that fluff!” Kamika agreed.
“She doesn’t look nasty to me,” Toil said. “Maybe she really is just way too nice for her own good.”
“Besides, how are we gonna find out about all that?” Trouble asked. “It ain’t like we can just waltz up to her and ask if she’s done anythin’ bad.”
“What do you two know,” Kamika muttered scornfully before she began approaching Megan. “Oh, Megaaaan~”
“Hm? What’s up, Kamika?” Megan asked, her bag of trash already almost half-full.

“Megan, dear, be honest with me now... Have you ever done anything bad in your life?”
Megan raised her eyebrow skeptically. “...Huh? What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean!” Kamika responded playfully. “Haven’t you ever committed a felony before??”
“Hmmm... nope! Not that I know of!” Megan responded.
“Seriously? You never cheated on a test?”
“Nah.”
“Went over the speed limit?”
“Don’t think so.”
“Crushed some bug under your heel because you felt like it?”
“That’s hella specific,” Toil muttered under his breath.
“Sure haven’t!”
Kamika wracked her brain to think of something, anything that Megan could have done before... then it hit her. She glanced at Megan with a sneer.
“You ever say a naughty word before~?” she asked with a sultry purr.
Megan blinked. “Of course not! Bad words aren’t very nice to say, you know!”
“Oh it’s not so baaad,” Kamika teased, her tail wagging back and forth playfully. “It’s actually quite liberating once you do it. If there’s ever anything bad happening in your life, you can just puff out your chest, take a deeeeep breath, and go...” 
To demonstrate, Kamika inhaled as deeply as she could, puffing out her chest as far as it would go. Then, she bellowed out the obscenity of a lifetime.
“FUUUUUCK!!!!”

The force of the scream nearly knocked all three of her minions off their feet; even Megan had trouble standing after that. Kamika seemed to turn around after that howl, however, and looked to Megan with a smile.

“And look at that! I feel all better, like an elephant’s off my back!” she giggled. “You should give it a try, Megan!”
“I-I don’t know,” Megan stammered as she rubbed her arm. “I don’t think I’d feel so good about it…”
“Aww, what’s the harm?” Kamika wrapped her arm around Megan’s shoulder, leaning in close. “Even just one little swear would be enough.”
“B-but I-”
“Nobody’s watching. It’ll be our little secret~”
Megan’s eyes shifted from side to side. In all her life, she had never attempted something as dangerous as swearing out in the open before, but Kamika was waiting expectedly for her to say what she wanted to hear. She couldn’t let her neighbor down now!
Left without much other choice, she took a deep breath, bit her lip, and gave her best attempt.
“...ff... ffff... ff...”
Kamika and her minions looked on as Megan did her best. But no matter how hard she tried, it wouldn’t come out. Her face grew more intense, the sweat started dripping from her face, and her face grew beet red, but nothing gave out. Until…
“...fffffffffffFFFFFFFFFFIDDLESTICKS!!”
A pathetic cry if there ever was one. One would only have to look at the disappointment on Kamika’s face to verify that much. Megan let out a deep sigh, then gave Kamika a shrug.

“Sorry, I guess I can’t get it out right now,” she said plainly. “Maybe we can try again some other time!” With that, Megan hoisted the bag of rubble over her shoulder and went on her merry way, humming as if nothing ever happened. Kamika, however, kept staring at her neighbor with disdain.
“Is that it? That can’t be it, can it??” Kamika asked her minions in disbelief.
“How curious. It appears she is completely unable to deliver a single obscenity,” Double-Double observed thoughtfully.
“Man, you’re tellin’ me! Didja see how red her face got?! It looked just like a tomato!” Trouble snickered.
Toil, meanwhile, patted Kamika’s leg. “Well, she tried her best, but she don’t got a bad bone in her body,” he said sadly.
“...No. She was holding back, I could tell!” Kamika spat. “She thinks she’s too good to swear to my face, does she? Well I don’t believe that for a second. We’re following her.”
“Seriously?! Don’t we have anythin’ more important to do than stalk our next-door neighbor?” asked Toil, all too aware of where this conversation was going.
“This is important!” Kamika snapped back. “I’m gonna expose that perfect little princess for the rotten apple she really is, then we’ll see who has the last laugh!”
With her mind fully made up, Kamika stomped away. Toil and Double-Double followed behind her with concern; their mistress’ jealousy was sure to lead them on another fruitless endeavor, one they were expected to devote their full attention to lest they face the consequences.
Trouble, meanwhile, took a moment to glance at the head of the Kamika statue.
“Don’t look at me, I dunno what her problem is either,” he muttered as he followed closely behind the others.