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Content Warning: Physical health, mental heath, depression, diabetes, suicidal ideation, etc.
Hello again! I felt like I should make this post, which is a tad personal but something to tell everyone. It is in regards to my health but how I am seeking to improve myself, to give the best art I can provide.
My name is Vanilla Villanueva. I was gone the past December and somewhat hesitant to post during January due to personal reasons. I've had near death experiences in this time, but admittedly, I'm unsure if they were ALL was near death, or just very dangerous moments, or maybe even apart of my panic attack symptoms where I feel I am about to die. In the end, this is me being overwhelmed and overthinking all of my experiences.
Today, I was finally about to visit an endocrinologist (or, a diabetic specialist), the last time being seven years ago when I was 17 and still had health insurance to my name. Before that, though, I've been experiencing lapses in memory and consciousness multiple times a week. You see, it is common for a type 1 diabetic like myself to have high blood sugar or low blood sugar, along with regulating it with insulin shots and either drinking water to lower or eating sweets to raise it.
However, my blood sugar has gotten dangerously low due to my depression naps. Sometimes my SO will find me with blood sugars in the 30s, barely conscious, shivering, crying, and in desperate need of sugar to survive. Thus, I'll suddenly "come to consciousness" with no memory of this, but being fed by him in hopes of surviving this stint.
I am finally getting help, today. An endo won't be what saves me completely though, and I'm aware of it. The main reason for my absence online in the past few months (both NSFW and SFW) has been my depression and my recent suicidal urges. I've been sleeping almost 18 hours at a time because of how little I've been wanting to live. I'm still alive though, and I know it's because that's what I want.
Because of my long bouts of sleep during quarantine, I've gained over 12 lbs. There isn't much to add about that, I'm just very angry at myself about it! It's fed into my depression, and has caused a cycle of sleeping, waking up, trying to survive from low blood sugar, then trying to break through my suicidal thoughts.
In the end, I want to thank you all. The thanks extends to the rest of my NSFW audience that aren't subscribed here of course, but since we're here on Subscribestar, the thanks goes to you. You all have been supporting me for so long, and because of that, I've been able to do a little more to help myself mentally and physically. I'm so thankful for that, and I love crying over it.
I love art, I love drawing, and I love being alive to say it! I just needed to provide a reason to y'all why I've been scarce online. From here on out, I'll be getting help for my diabetes again, and hopefully in the near future I'll be seeking the psychiatric help I need... And the weight loss. I hate these extra pounds!
I love you guys. <:) Thank you for everything. 💕💖
I’m glad you’ve been taking time to care for your health! As much of a pleasure it’s been to see your art it would suck to get it at the expense of your well-being. You’re seriously one of my favorite artists. I’ll be glad to support you until the end of time! Thank you for everything that you do and I hope you continue taking good care of yourself
Glad you're seeking help, and hope the recovery and way back is smooth sailing all around. While the update is definitely appreciated, I hope there's no pressure from this end. Take care of yourself!
Well you know what I'VE BEEN WORRIED and I'M VERY GLAD YOU'RE OK AND ILU PLEASE DO YOUR BEST, I WILL BE CHEERING FROM THE SIDELINES
It's difficult to articulate just how glad I am to see you taking care of yourself(i definitely recommend psychiatry as they'll often help you with achieving your other goals as well) and i hope things keep improving for you. if you ever want some not too hokey tricks for managing depresso I've got some that might be helpful.