FUM - CHAPTER 3 - PUBLIC


"What's taking so-damn long!?" Gob-Mommy's croaky voice hollered from inside the tavern. She peeked over the lip of a busted window, ears perked.
"So sorry! Please be patient with me, I'm trying..." I'd found a few onion shoots growing near a tree. Pulling the first revealed it was barely grown, that wouldn't do. 
How had they done it back at the maid-service hall? Those girls went out to their garden, rubbed their thighs together, and shoots would grow, bloom, and ripen in minutes. Thighs were associated with the element wood, our womanly tree-trunks.
I squatted low over the shoots, trying to remember the motion, it was like they were making circles with them, feet splayed thighs together, ass out.
I gave it my best, but my legs were still so sore from Bura's rough handling.
"What in the hells are you doing!?" She shouted at me, slammed the door open and started stomping over to where I stood. It was wagging half-ready behind that loin-cloth.
Liked the show huh?
"You call yourself a maid?" Approaching from behind, she slapped hands on my outer thighs, gripped, and began making half-circles that switched from clockwise to counter-clockwise.  
"Oh!"
Gob-Fuck me, fuck me please...
Something had brushed my undercarriage.  It took me a solid second to realize it was a rapidly extending onion-shoot.
It kept growing, piercing between my thighs and flipping my skirt.
"There ya go, now pluck the horny bastard and get started on the others." She said and trotted off, acting like her loin-cloth hadn't just gone horizontal.
"Ha-haah-Alright!"I dropped to my knees, the stalk bending beneath my hips, heart hammering.
I gripped it, gave it a sharp tug, "mmm...", but it didn't want to budge.
Oh it's like that huh?
I had to think for a hot minute about how stupid I'd look out here, grinding my clit to completion against an onion stalk. Snaking a hand behind my back, I began digging into the soil around it, down to where it grew wide and bulbous, and wrapped my fingers around, gave it a good squeeze. The whole thing sprang from the dirt like I'd just called it Sir. Dirt scattered across my calves and thighs and it smacked into my bottom, an onion worthy of the state fair.
"Gotcha bitch." I tossed it to the side and began working it for the others.  If I could figure out how to make onion soup Gob-Mommy was going to feast.
It can't be too hard right? Chopped onions and water... 
Once I coaxed a few more juicy tearjerkers from the soil I went inside to find a pot. 
Rummaging through busted cabinets and overturned barrels, I finally found something resembling a cauldron.  Heavily dented, black, and coated in the remnants of whatever the hell kobolds ate. 
GM sat kicked back on a counter with her legs splayed like she'd just just delivered my first climax.
I'll make her earn that. 
"You're going to sauté those right?" she asked, stopping me in my tracks.
S-Sauté? "Yes Ma'am, in water."
She bolted upright like I'd just smacked her with an idiot stick.
"You're not having a go at me. You're just an absolute fucking moron, right?"
"I-" I hate how red I blush.
"You are!"
"I-I'm not... They didn't cover saute at maid orientation..."
"Orientation? You're supposed to take fucking classes! Tulit's Maid Academy has the best cooking instructor on the continent!" She hopped off the counter, "What rock did you crawl out from under?"
"Look, where I come from they have microwaves!" I couldn't look at her, my face was burning hot enough to sauté an onion, whatever the hell that meant, and I'd just started speaking gibberish!
"They have what..." I could hear her eye twitch, "They're expecting me to work kitchen for some skank who doesn't know how to brown an onion! Is the pussy that good!?" 
It might be, because I have no clue why they'd have me here otherwise. Why don't you taste and tell?
I dropped to my knees, "I'm sorry, okay? I'm in way over my head. You're right, I have no idea what I'm doing..."
Turning my head, I ran onion soaked fingertips across my eye-lids.
Work, please work.
It stung, burned, and my eyes welled, "Please... I'll do anything, anything, just please don't out me to them..."
Please take me up on it.
A low grumble came from her, "Cut that shit out. You think just cuz I've got green ears I'm going to blackmail you into the sack."
Oh god, did my heart just flutter? 
"I-I didn't." I said, pulling a wrist across my face, gah it stung even worse.
"Yeah you did." She was sizzling hot and crunchy.
"Sorry... Are you going to-" I switched off the pity me eyes.
"No I'm not outing you to the boss! I ain't a rat either. Geeze you humans are so touchy." 
Knock me up with a litter of goblin-pups, this little chick had big Gob-D energy.
"Now get up, you still owe me dinner." She ambled to the counter and pulled grabbed a clay pot, loosing its lid.
"This was buried in the cellar," it was full of a soft-looking off-white something, "It's lard. You cook 'em in this."
"O-okay. Thank you...Can I please, borrow your knife?" I pointed to the sharpened hunk of metal slung in his cloth-strap.
"What the... No! No you can't chop the onions with a damn shiv!" She turned and trudged toward the cellar.
"Then what do I-?"
Reaching around the corner, she summoned a leather satchel with belts and straps,"A chef's knife."
Pulling herself up on a stool, she unbuckled and rolled it out with care. Filled with gleaming, polished blades, each handle, dark wood worn with use.  This greasy curmudgeon apparently only cared about two things. Cooking and making me slick.
She undid the the snap on a knife I wouldn't have picked, long and hefty. I wasn't about to ask her for the small one. She handed it to me, handle out.
"Okay. I'll be back with dinner."
"I'm not letting you out of my sight with that baby. Grab the cauldron, we're heading to the spring."
She smacked my ass.
Haah. Grip it and slide a finger in...
With that calloused little hand. It stung, it clapped.
 Yes, Gob-Mommy.