Rem Diary 7/4/2025

Hello everyone for another installment of Rem's Diary. Today is... gonna be a special one, maybe, probably even longer than the last diary (Post edit: It is). Today we are going to touch some very heavy topics, including personal, work, and industry stuff.

But if you want to tl;dr to know whether or not to call me a fraud like a commenter in the last Rem's Diary: Yes I guess I'm de-frauding you of your time and hope because I am cancelling the DLC idea from the last diary. I'm really sorry. Everyone else still reading, find a quiet place and some nice iced drink.

((Post edit: WARNING: Extremely sensitive and potentially triggering heavy topics inside including suic*de. Please be safe and if you are not ready right now, do not proceed. If you need help, please talk to local providers or https://www.iasp.info/suicidalthoughts/))

So like always, there's no real structure to what I'm about to write coming out of my head. I have some broad points I want to touch upon and reveal.

I suppose before anything else, in order for people to know what I was even 'doing' the whole time post KP and therefore decide whether if it's even worth reading any further, now or in the future.

I touched on this in an earlier Twitch stream this year around January? February? Probably January. But I never put it down into written form and therefore written out my thoughts. As a preface, it still doesn't really excuse my lack of performance between Karryn's Prison completion and this time period, but nevertheless.

So around December of last year 2024, while I was looking for ideas and inspirations for what to do next, I decided to try out generative AI. To see what is going on, what the technology is, and so on. You know, research. I started first with chatbot AI. You know the stuff where when it first appeared especially during Covid where it is all 'Now you can get an AI girlfriend!!'

So I tried it out. It was novel to me and interesting but I lost interest after two days by limitations of the web chat AI. A little while later, I google'd around and discovered about LLM, where you can download the AI to your computer and run it locally to get around censorship and other limitations. That was novel for me as I play around with this new technology but I also got bored again after about five days or so.

Then I remember how the web girlfriend chatbot AI stuff had image generation too, and I looked up on how to generate my own images locally. This was the beginning of the downfall within a downfall.

I wanted to title today's Rem Diary as "Death of An Artist" but I didn't want to clickbait anyone into thinking something happened to me or Sachinama. Also today, or should I say, the next two days, holds extreme special significance to me to clickbait about death. And Sachinama actually is also a bit unwell (specifically, "itchy") at the moment. He suspects that he might have overworked himself while working on his independent Happy Life solo game and not take as much breaks or fluids as he needed to. He visited the doctor today but they couldn't figure anything out and just gave him normal drugs. He already went to bed but since I worry about him more than anyone else outside of his immediate family, I left a message imploring him to also do some MRI and X-Rays just in case. Please send your well wishes to Sachinama because unlike me, he is extremely hardworking.

Anyway, why title this post as "Death of An Artist"?

Initially, the locally generating images with AI was very very novel, more so as I learn more and more about how to use prompts, add-ons and LoRa and stuff. This shit is amazing! I love this and that person's artwork, but I always wished that they had done [my specific fetish A] or [my specific fetish B]!! But now I can do that all within my fingertips!

Then January came, and I did my Twitch stream. I told myself, and I even told Sachinama. Alright, that was fun and interesting but it's time to stop.

Except I didn't. Whenever I was bored and/or horny, at my fingertips, I could have my PC create specifically curated content for my specific tastes with developments adjusted exactly to my taste and liking and fancy at the moment.

I told myself I can stop anytime, but I'm just doing research. Eventually I will get bored just like I got bored of the chatbot AI stuff, I told myself.

Except it didn't. I always knew about porn addiction. It's crazy for an eroge developer to even talk about the subject of porn addiction, it's like a heroin dealer posting a public bulletin message reminding people about the dangers of heroin. But this was worse than porn addiction.

It was AI porn addiction.

Sachinama was even surprised and laughed when I confessed today that I didn't actually stop in January and has been pulling the monkey, jerking the chicken so to speak, the whole time since January non-stop to AI. He laughed and was surprised because he saw me as someone who needed context, story and lots of foreplay to get off. I do. The thing is I just used my own brain to provide all the context. I would start with the beginning images, the setup of a scene. Then start generating the beginning of a story and the female character. Then the male subjects heading into some sort of foreplay. Then action. More action, different action, escalating action. Into climax but unlike a normal erotic manga or live action porn, I didn't need to stop there. More development, more action, more climax. I can go on and on and on. The same brain filled with imagination and eroge experience that helped bring Karryn's Prison into this world, also trapped me in a cage of hedonistic AI hell.

I had a recent event on Tuesday three days ago. Ya know, I actually was going to avoid talking about what it actually was but given the subjects being covered and about to be covered today, I might as well say it. It was a first date with someone off of a dating app. It went good? I thought it went good? It wasn't good. And it wrecked me for days up until this morning as I continue to talk to Sachinama and friends and family and I realized that I HAVE to make changes to my life.

No, ladies and gentlemen, I wasn't a creep or anything like that. I would get fucking cancel if I ever touched a hair out of place. I've been on dates before, and I can tell when one is going nowhere and one of us or both of us want to leave and end it. The thing was this one went to four hours long and we only check the time and left the restaurant when the waitress came to pour more water for us and strongly hinted that perhaps we should either order more food or leave. I've had poor dates where despite it being not good and we weren't a good match for each other, the lady would still send me a text message post-date letting me know that they got home safely especially after I had requested one. And in this case, it was extra late into the night so I was extra worried.

I never got that text.

And then I was unmatched the next day without a word.

Something must've went well during the date right? But at the same time obviously it wasn't as good as I initially thought. And on reflection, I could've done much better on multiple areas. I realized on reflection, I had a bit of a inferiority complex during the date. Not overly, but it caused a jarring comment here or there, and I had put myself down multiple times for no reason. And it was a wake up call. I could've prepared much better for the date. I would have better confidence if I wasn't in a work slump. If I wasn't wasting time generating my own fucking porn to jerk off to all day all week.

It was a wake up call and I deleted all that AI stuff off my PC and I'm done with it and I promised to Sachinama and myself that I will do better. Beat back this addiction, and focus on work and improving myself.

The thing is, porn addiction and AI porn addiction is similar but also different in devious ways. Normal porn addiction you are still at the mercy of what is available to you. With AI porn, you can have whateeeeevvvvvvvva you want. And even worse, it's even more time consuming as you wait for the next image to finish generating and then maybe correct.

It is so so fucking bad. During that January Twitch stream, I explained that I wanted to dive into gen AI for the same reason I play other people's games and eroges. To see what people are playing and enjoying. To see what's going on out there. What is the current scene.

Currently people say the threat with AI for games is that they will take jobs away. Coders, writers, translators, voice actors, artists, musicians and so on. In the past and even still a bit nowdays in imagined futuristic Sci-Fi settings, people figured that the threat of AI is that they will take over and subjugate mankind. Put us under their thumbs like cattle and either provide for our every needs or kill us all because we are an eyesore and highly destructive to the environment.

No. The biggest threat from my perspective isn't the lost of jobs, or the content you are consuming being replaced by AI, or being at the mercy of our future AI overlords. It's that one day, whether through a mobile device or their computer, everyone has access to their own personalized AI that can provide exactly the content they desire with a simple one sentence prompt.

Worried about your game not being liked by audience type A or audience type B?

Well member #425 of audience type A actually really wants an eroge with their favorite femboy male vtuber as the protagonist in a reverse harem where all the ladies is member #425 and different aspects of her personality.

Member #426 of audience type A actually really wants an eroge where it's an open world rpg where they choke random beautiful women. No sex, no deaths, just choking until passing out and that's it.

Member #58 of audience type B wants an eroge where they control an avatar that watches couples in the park and ejaculates onto their cups while they are distracted.

And all their specific needs and kinks can be done in 9 hours on their own Nvidia RTX 8080. Set it up and go to bed and they will wake up to their personalized content, just for them, made by themselves. How can you even plan or design content in such an environment?

I'm going to take a step back here and tell another, very personal story. Very, extremely personal. Frighteningly so but.

((Post edit: WARNING: Topic will deal with suic*de))

Most of the older supporters and fans might still remember the broad strokes of this story. Which was the origins so to speak of me and Remtairy. But I never told the details to the extent I'm about to today.

In 2017, the doctor told me after a checkup that I had 99% chance of having thyroid cancer and said I could look for a second opinion but they strongly recommended that I immediately go into surgery. I had shit all in my life before I had cancer. Growing up in New York City, as a 2nd generation immigrant, I suffered an identity crisis with the differences between my cultural roots, and the people around me in school. I turned to video games as an escape. When I got old enough to cum, I watched porn like all other boys in school with parents too busy to monitor their kids. Then I discovered eroges and it was like a mindblown explosion of marrying both video games and porn. I can satisfy both needs at the same time!!!

And until 2017, if I died that day, that's all my life amounted to. When I was told I had to go into surgery, I realized my life up until then had been wasteful. I feared my mortality, the disappointment I have been to myself and to my family. I vowed to do better and make something of myself if I live to do it.

But with no real skills so to speak of, what can someone like me, with no drive and ambition up until now, do something that might make the world a better place?

Well, I love eroge. It kept me from unaliving myself when I was in school and when I was out of school. Maybe there is something I can do for eroges? At this time in 2017, there was a company called Sakuragames. They were taking my beloved indie Japanese eroges, and then butchering them with machine translations and selling it for pennies on Steam. If this trend were to continue, the Japanese indie eroge scene would just be reduced to shovelware-tier to a normal Steam player, and the original hardworking Japanese developers would get pennies for their work while companies like Sakuragame and any potential imitators would get rich off of their work.

I had to stop this. I must stop this. I can stop this. And I knew what I had to do.

I will help translate these games to real native English, and sell them for their original prices on Steam and give the devs their proper share of it. I was mad, out of mind and drunk on post surgery recovery chemicals. Who would take a random nobody seriously?? But I didn't doubt myself, and sent messages out to Japanese developers.

Sachinama was the second person I sent to, and he responded positively to me. It was the most lucky thing to have ever happen to me, and to this day, I am still grateful and thankful to Sachinama for giving me a chance.

I worked day and night on translating Sachinama's Meltys Quest. I even wrote daily progress report on Patreon. I was full of unearned confidence. I even dared offer suggestions to Sachinama on how to improve the gameplay aspects of Meltys Quest. With his infinite benevolence, Sachinama allowed my suggestions, succeeding gameplay related elements to me.

I remember standing in my room with the TV connected to live update of the Steam's sales chart reporting on the release day of Meltys Quest with my mom, watching as the first sales roll in. It was a success. Meltys Quest broke Sakuragame's formula of cheap, buggy, garbage machine translations. I knew there would be people willing to pay the original price of the eroge to see them in actual English with no bugs. I say this but there was still a lot of bugs and typos, we're talking many many hotfix updates the following days and weeks but the difference being that I was actually fixing any issues as they pop up instead of moving onto machine translate the next game to butcher.

The funny side note to this, is that presently machine translations are much more accepted these days because AI has gotten better and will only get better. Oh well, at least the games aren't being priced with a 90% discount so the developers still get something.

But at the time and for a long while until ChatGPT, this was a real victory for eroges. But then I lost my drive that drove me like mad working on MQ all day all night. I don't care for the money earning aspect, I just wanted to make the world better by proving the concept of a fairly priced indie eroge with real, native English is better than the alternative. A year passes, and Sachinama approaches me in e-mail with an offer for me to translate one of his older games. Feeling lost, I said yes. Then later Sachinama told me he was thinking instead to remake the game into RPGMaker MV. So I scraped the translation I was listlessly working on with no motivation and worked with Sachinama on the remake.

This game, old time supporters might still remember, was Pina. It was a disaster. We threw wild ideas together, and it became a frankenstein monster of epic feature creep. It will never see the light of day. So with a heavy heart because I was worried about how Sachinama will take it, I told him I wanted to drop the project because I don't think it would work. But I enjoyed the experience of brainstorming with Sachinama so I offered a counter suggestion of 'How about we make a different game together, this time one where I will draw out and decide the various systems to avoid feature creep?' Sachinama said ok (that took a very long time for him to give out and has agonized him until KP was almost finished), and this game will soon be known as Karryn's Prison (formerly Karen's Prison for a brief moment).

When I designed Karryn's Prison, I had several thoughts. The main thought was: What kind of eroge would Rem want to play? The other thoughts mostly involved around using all the gaming experience I had to create an interconnected systems of gameplay that has never been attempted or done before.

What kind of eroge would Rem, of a different multiverse, or a different timeline, where he never got cancer. Where he is still basically forever either part-time or unemployed. Where he spends all his days playing games and eroge, on the brink of unaliving except for the fact that he has atleast one future game or eroge to look forward to coming out soon so he can not do that yet. What can I do, for that Rem, to give him the fuel to continue every day as something to look forward to, and then enjoy?

And so I came up with Karryn's Prison. It was my love letter to the eroge industry. To gaming. To myself of a different timeline and universe.

To you, me of pre-2017, I give you my heart, Karryn's Prison.

Time passes. Today, as of this moment, I don't have the drive or ambition I did before Meltys Quest, or Karryn's Prison. I even nearly forgot something important. Not only did I forget my previous drives, I also nearly forgot a very important date. Funny how this is after an anxiety filled mental breakdown over a rejection from someone I only knew for four hours. But thank you to that person for rejecting me, because it made me realize I needed to change.

You see everyone. 24 hours to this day, on 2017, in an Manhattan hospital with my mom holding my hands. I had my cancer surgery.

I never forgot for so long. It was what drove me to do better, to work hard, to provide for my family. Because the date of my surgery was also right before my birthday. I remember the doctor asking for the surgery being postponed to July 5 because the day before was July 4, a national American holiday, but my mom begged to change it further and not have it right before my birthday. But I told the doctor I was ready and I wanted to do it as soon as possible.

How did I get so lazy that I even forgot the exact date. Have I become like those crowdfunding eroge developers that get fat and lazy with their success and never finish their game, milking it until it's too late? Well, in my case mine is finished and I'm not asking for crowdfunding right now but still.

Self employment is different ain't it. You can both overwork yourself and burn out because there is no structured hours. At the same time, you can also end up not doing anything because there is no structured hours.

How can I get that drive and ambition back for a third time? The final third time most likely in my opinion.

Because you see, AI is here and will only get better and better. The results will be better, and consumers will have access to better consumer level products that work faster. While talking with Sachinama today, he said in his personal opinion and prediction it is only a matter of time before anyone with a simple one sentence prompt can tell the AI to make themselves an ero-manga or eroge. The eroge industry, both developers, publishers and storefronts will go out of business when that day comes. But until that moment arrives, he wants to leave at least one more product for everyone to enjoy before only AI porn remains. It's probably why he has been overworking himself to point of getting sick with an unknown something.

One more ride then. Until I die, to eroges that kept me alive. For an industry that will end like all other things, but sooner rather than later. For my dearly beloved. I will make one more eroge.

Call me a fraud, I don't care anymore. Blast me on the chans. Blast me on the zones. It's sad and pathetic, but today I finally remembered the why again, why it was worth waking up.

I would like to believe that my forte into AI was not completely wasted. Just like how I managed to squeeze a life of gaming and gooning into Meltys Quest and Karryn's Prison, I would like to squeeze the half of the year I spent endlessly trapped in my head and in AI for something better.

How can you make an eroge, knowing that eventually anyone can create their own personalized eroge curated to their own taste sooner rather than later?

I think, the hint is in the limitation of AI that every centimeter of my private parts knew very well in the last eight months. Which is the current concept of AI and the direction of their development, is limited by the fact the AI only knows what it knows. Its dataset is everything. An AI language model might perform very well on logical tests, but only if it has ever basically seen that logical test before. If you give it a logical test that any functioning adult can solve but is not in the AI's trained data, it will not solve it correctly 100 times out of 100.

In other words, until AI companies manages to break that wall, the answer is to create something that AI hasn't trained on before. Because it doesn't exist. Tell the AI to create Grand Theft Auto except you control your favorite female Vtuber and you can go around pegging fictional female characters and sure, AIs will eventually be able to do that. They just need to be trained on GTA code to make GTA, on 3d eroges that has open world sex, on models of the Vtubers and female characters that you want and bam.

Heck, while there is no such game right now, you can also make it so you can peg cars too. There are images of cars being fucked, so the AI can generate those. I want a Path of Exile style talent tree. My vtuber will get better and better at pegging those fucking slutty ass cars. 'Sure, the AI will train off of Path of Exiles and games that has similar talent trees and make it.'

I want the talent tree to affect the cars. With certain talents, the car will turn into a tank post sex. 'Err... o-okay... lemme just train the AI on transforming a 3D object to another object, have it reproduce the code and then make sure it's linked to the talent t-'

And based on the number of tanks in the world, I want the Vtuber to have bigger breasts. 'Err... I-'

And I want one of the talent tree to give me a skill where when I hijack a car, it will transform into a female character and marry me. 'Err-'

Now give the protagonist a clown nose that honks every time she cums and every time it honks, a portion of the talent tree gets locked off. And I want Dark Souls style stamina management for her semen meter but she also has an actual different stamina meter that gets smaller the bigger her breasts are. '..........'

'......'

'...'

One more eroge everybody. I think that's all I have left in me before the AI takes over, but until then. One last ride in the car.